Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Wilderness Trek really helped my relationship with God. But it's hard to keep that level of intimacy when you have a recurring sin and you won't stop. It hinders your developing relationship with God. It’s so hard but I know I just have buckle down, stop doing it. I have a secret fear, fear of going to college. Fear of when I have kids. Fear of being unprepared, inadequate, immature. I'm afraid that I'm not ready for all this Responsibility yet. I don't want it. I just want to live in my own little world of friends, basketball, reading and computer. I'm afraid of my time being taken up by responsibilities. I know it's all apart of growing up but growing up seems mundane, boring. Going to your job everyday that you probably don't like. Coming home, even then no time for yourself. I know God has some big plan for me when I grow up (as being a leader of some kind) and I welcome that. It's just all the things in between that I dread. I've read Rosenburg books about God coming soon, maybe even within my lifetime. I sort of look forward to that. I can't picture myself being old and dying normally (although I'm sure my thinking is not original. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I love Math but also English. I'm not sure I have the discipline and study skills to become an engineer like my Dad and I don't know if I'd enjoy it as much as being a Literature professor (or another English job.) I know for sure I want to write books. When I'm older, maybe when I retire. I know I'm selfish, I've always been selfish although I've gotten much better than when I was a little kid. I pray to God that he would help transform myself into a selfless person. I also want to read the Bible a lot more and make my relationship with Christ even better.